I have two children, a girl and a boy (people always seem surprised when I say it that way, as opposed to "a boy and a girl," but my daughter was born first, so when listing my kids, I list her first. "Even though" she's a girl). There are a lot of presumptions that people make about children, and adults, based on gender. There are things that people say about boys that are unfair and untrue. But parenting a girl and a boy gives an interesting perspective. My kids are very different from each other, and I'm sure people respond to them differently for that reason. But over the last almost six years of having both a girl and a boy, I will say that some things that were true about me being a girl 30 years ago and my mother being a girl 55 years ago and my daughter being a girl today remain the same--and these things are not true for my son:
Girls are not taken seriously. They are often seen as a liability. Girls learn to accept being ignored--by teachers, by other children. Girls are expected to be petty and mean and vain and competitive with each other even if they show absolutely no concrete evidence of being any of those things. Girls are made to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and at a really, really young age are blamed for the desires of others. Girls are expected to be quiet and compliant. People care how girls look and comment on it all the time, from the time they are infants; people discuss girls bodies in ways that they would never even consider discussing boys'.
I could go on. But it's hard for me to do that, because I am a woman who was once a girl and therefore to some extent my thoughts on this matter might not be...taken seriously. So Gabe and I came up with this list together. Here are 10 things that we wish people wouldn't say to us about our girl, and that we try to not say to other people about their girls.
10. Wow, she's going to be a heartbreaker some day!
Hmm, I'm not sure what that means. She will be mean and deceitful? She will use men and throw them away? Boys or men might like her or be attracted to her and she won't feel the same way? Because if it's the latter, well...that's life, and that's her prerogative, and they will get over it. And it's weird to think about that when she's in preschool.
9. Better buy a shotgun!
OK, so...why? We're not hunters. We don't want to maim or kill people who play with, talk to, date, or someday have sex with our daughter. Are you implying that we should use the shotgun on her? No, we're not going to do that either. Or, maybe this is a roundabout way of acknowledging that girls are often targeted by sexual predators. If that's the case, and you're saying that our daughter is pretty and therefore people will try to violate her, and when that inevitably happens we can go out for revenge, well...no. I want a different world for my daughter than that, and so does my husband.
8. Aren't you glad you have one of each?
One of each what? Gabe is the one who usually gets this question, as if he must be breathing an enormous sigh of relief that he wasn't stuck with two girls. It's great to experience what it's like to raise two genders of children, if only because it's easier to debunk notions of what all girls or all boys are like when you see your own acting in the opposite fashion. But two kids is two kids, and I think we would love them both the same no matter what.
7. Boys are harder when they're little, and girls are impossible as teenagers.
Nope. Gabe said this is his biggest pet peeve, because he doesn't see why either of those things should be the case. I don't see it either. I wasn't impossible. My mom always talks about how much she liked us--both me and my brother, our friends and our girlfriends and boyfriends--when we were teenagers. I wasn't catty, and neither were my friends. I didn't talk back to my mother, though I remember my brother doing so on a few noteworthy occasions. I didn't have mood swings. I wasn't very focused on being popular or dressing in a certain way. My girlfriends were smart and hilarious and interesting (my brother's friends were too). My boyfriends were adorable and doting and respectful and were always welcome at my house. I broke a lot of rules, but not because I was a girl. I followed the rules that mattered the most, and I knew how to tell the difference.
6. Don't let her dress slutty.
This is one of my favorites. I will be the first to say that I think a lot of clothes made for little girls are inappropriate. They are inappropriate not only because they tend to sexualize children but because they are illogical. Tiny shorts mean more skinned knees. Hipster jeans make no sense if you don't have hips to keep them from falling down. However. It just so happens that loose, baggy, sometimes really ugly and sloppy clothes remain in style for boys and probably always will. My son can wear sweatpants and loose tshirts for the next 10 years and still be considered fashionable. I will never tell my daughter than she can't wear yoga pants or clothes that happen to look good on her when she is older and has a figure if that is what is in style and it is within reason. Putting an item of clothes on your body indicates nothing about your sexual practices, and those practices should not be the business of the general public anyway. Stop saying that girls need to dress a certain way to be "respected" or "treated right." Girls are often not respected or treated right, no matter what. It's not their fault just because at some point they grew boobs or hips and then got dressed and someone noticed. Shorts and skirts will always look too short on my daughter, just like they do on me, and I am almost 40. Our legs are absurdly long for our bodies. I've accepted that 85% of the nicknames I've ever had in my life have been nicknames for my legs (including when some people just called me "Legs") but I'm not about to lower my hemline because of it.
5. Just wait until middle school--that's when the trouble starts.
Oh, I would love to wait until middle school! I am still sitting here hoping to live that long. Anywho, our daughter is in third grade, and we have already seen evidence of the "mean girl" stuff that people warn about--and she is having none of it. She seems to be like me--almost bewildered by the drama and the rumors and more interested in just having fun. Her friends are cute and friendly and like to have pushup contests and play with stuffed animals and snowboard and do rainbow loom. The activities will change, but neither of us is expecting her kindness or good choice of company to change. When I was in what they now call middle school, I was an off-the-charts tomboy with a best friend who wasn't like that at all, and we just goofed off a lot with each other and our other friends and cracked our parents up with our antics.
4. You'd better keep a close eye on her.
There are a lot of variations on this theme. I've heard "that one is a heart attack waiting to happen." When I was growing up it was "wow, you should put her in a convent!" My atheist mother was never appreciative of that statement. I want my daughter to enjoy and experience the world. The fact that there are horrible people everywhere--and I acknowledge that there are, and I had terrible fallout from that as a young girl--does not make me want to imprison her or spy on her. I acknowledge that this will be hard. The flip side of what people mean when they say this is that there is a danger of her somehow becoming a, God forbid, "bad" girl. You know, she might like boys or girls and want to have sex with them someday. She might wear fashionable clothes, like yoga pants, and have everyone and her brother lose their minds on her just for looking good in them. She might feel comfortable with her body and her sexuality, not ashamed or at fault for someone else's issues. I could give a million different examples of how I could have been made to feel like my own natural desires and behaviors were somehow more frightening than my brother's, but I wasn't treated that way by my parents, so I won't.
3. She's not very ladylike.
No, she's not--that's not her job. It's not anyone's job.
2. She's so quiet.
First, there is nothing wrong with that, and I don't think someone needs to be loud and intrusive with their voice (even if I am often that way) to be heard. Second, she's not really. Sometimes she is so loud she drives me nuts. Sometimes she's the one making fart jokes or bomb explosion sounds. She's a complete goofball when she's comfortable with people. And sometimes, she just seems quiet, because her voice is soft and you aren't really listening.
1. She is so beautiful!
Yes, she is. Please talk about something else.
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