50 Ways of Throwing Shade

I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey, and I have no intention of seeing the movie. I've been pissed off about enough things recently--everything I've wanted to write about has really been a tirade, so I've tried to keep things to myself. I've been on the receiving end of obsessive desire; it's dramatic and not really my thing. And besides, I still remember the time when someone asked me if I had asked my husband's permission to do something; I still remember it because I'm not sure Gabe ever stopped laughing.

So. I'm waiting for them to make a movie about the woman who has been so pleased with and sure of her sexuality since 14 that she can spot the dude who will take credit for it as if he owns it from a mile away--so she just gives him the side eye and then LEAVES THE BUILDING. But I doubt they are ever going to make a movie about ME, so instead I thought I'd do a little riff on these hilarious quotes from 50 Shades that are supposed to spice up my Valentine's Day. Here are those 19 "steamy" quotes re-written for Katy. These are things I can actually imagine myself saying in a given scenario, whereas I can't imagine anyone anywhere saying any of the original 19 quotes. Happy Valentine's Day!

1. “You're a pain in the ass. I can't care about you.”

2. “I am not just a pretty face. I’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.”

3. “Do you want some ice cream? What kind?”

4. “I want you so, baby. That's why I called you.”

5. “I want my world to start and end without prepositions.”

6. “Every time I move tomorrow, I'll be reminded of this time at the gym. This is all me. This workout's mine."

7. "It's taking all my self-control not to slap you in the face, just to show you what a jackass you are. And if I want to drive away in this f--king car, I'll drive away in this f--king car.”

8. "Firstly, I don’t make love. At least not to you. Because I told you before, you're a jackass. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, BECAUSE I'M AT WORK, DUDE, and thirdly, this is me warning you that I'm running for the hills."

9. “I've never kissed a frog, or a prince. Thank God.”

10. “Trust a man who can't dance and doesn't care.”

11. “I want you. What do you say?”

12. “What's in it for me?”

13. “I've actually read the Bible. I bet you weren't expecting that.”

14. “MMM, chocolate hot fudge brownie with a cherry on top!!”

15. “I found some baby oil. What is this, 1970? Where's the SPF 50?”

16. “I don’t know whether to worship this nectarine or eat the living s--t out of it.”

17. “I like that we have the same kinks.”

18. “I like my women friends unruly and unrepentant.”

19. “Did you know that Milton made his daughter dedicate her life to transcribing Paradise Lost for him? She wasn't allowed to have a life of her own. So we'll never know, will we? Who re-invented the story of Icarus? Did he or did she?”