26 Things My Husband Thought Were a Good Idea at the Time

Next weekend is Gabe's 39th birthday. For the third year in a row, I will be on a business trip at that time. Well, actually, weather and flights permitting, I will be home the night before his birthday, but he will be left with all of the end of school year drama and planning while I miss the last day of school, and the reality is that I will probably arrive home from Dallas with little more than some cheap souvenir for him, and then the next day is Father's day, and MY GOD. There's no time. So. I'm writing this now. When Gabe and I met, we were 27. Lots of birthdays have passed since then. He spent his 35th birthday at the oncologist's office with me, helping me make my chemo game plan the first time around. I've written him birthday letters and even lists about what I like about him via my blogs before, and I could get serious like that again.

Or not.

Everyone knows we have this weird little household going on over here. It's not like I have to search hard for material if I want to talk about something absurd. Most of the time Gabe doesn't mind being fodder for that material. And the reality is that while I could talk about the absurdity, I could also talk about the stupid or hurtful things he's done or the really meaningful things or the really useful things like teaching our son to pee sitting down, and of those choices, this seems the most appropriate. So here goes. Off the top of my head, here are

26 Things My Husband Thought Were a Good Idea at the Time

1. Trying to save a tree branch by propping it up with some twine and scotch tape.



2. Forgoing the oh so unnecessary trips to the body shop and overly investing in duct tape and post it notes to keep his car held together.



3. Speaking of that car, taking a really long time to pick up the babysitter before one of our dates, because on the way over there he somehow managed to pick up a hitchhiker and tried to sell that dude said crappy car. And no, thankfully, the hitchhiker and the babysitter weren't in the car at the same time.

4. Taking Leona's up on their challenge to see if anyone could eat an entire slab of ribs along with an entire order of lasagna. The prize for achieving this? An enormous free ice cream sundae. We don't speak of that night.

5. Answering the door wearing nothing but boxer briefs, or, worse, boxer briefs and a bathrobe, leaving him looking like one of those porn stars from the 70s with the chest hair on display and all.

6. Telling our daughter that beauty is not really important, because after all, what would happen if you fell in a vat of acid and your face got totally messed up? You'd still be the same person.

7. Practicing circus tricks:



8. Deciding to ride his bike to the dentist's office. At night. In February. During a blizzard. It didn't end well.

9. This seems to be a theme, but hanging laundry on the clothes line in the backyard. Without any pants on.

10. Buying me a year's supply of cheap winter gloves, in May, for Mother's Day, because "you can never have too many."

11. This:



12. And this:




13. Again with the boxer briefs (maybe that should be the title of this post?): running outside in his skivvies and robe at 5:30 in the morning, shaking his fist and screaming at the newspaper delivery guy "STOP DRIVING OVER MY LAWN!" like he was 107 years old.

14. Not calling his new girlfriend after they had sex for the first time. So she called him instead and said "this isn't a movie. stop being an asshole." Of course, he later had to remind her that the first few times they slept together, she didn't let him spend the night and just kicked him to the curb afterwards, though she claims no memory of that ever happening.

15. Telling his new girlfriend he would have babies with her...after they had known each other for two weeks.

16. Planning an excellent third date, complete with stops at Dunkin Donuts, an ice cream shop, and a drag show.

17. Hiding the engagement ring in a hot dog, except it was too much pressure, so he balked and had to hide it in his pajama pocket and ask me if I would "marry him anyway."

18. Asking a fisherman for help after we had locked ourselves out because we were having sex outside at midnight, and it was pitch black and again with the boxer briefs, but this time he was also wearing water shoes that he found sitting in the lawn, so he walked right up to the lake, flagged down the lone boat, and said, "You look like a big, strong guy. Maybe you could help me." After which he got back in the house by climbing on this guy's back, then scampering up a 2x4 the guy had braced on the outside wall, until he could bust the screen in with his elbow and do a backflip through the window into the house. And then he had to bribe the guy with a whole case of beer to get him to leave and stop looking through the house for his wife, who at that point was hiding in the closet. OK so that's a longer story than I have room for here.

19. Telling the guy who was in line behind him at Planned Parenthood waiting for his vasectomy that he looked "pretty good for a guy who was about to have an abortion."

20. Shoveling our driveway while wearing the Superman footie pajamas with the cape.

21. Falling asleep playing Candyland.



22. Placing his deodorant on the kitchen counter and a box of triscuits in the shoe tree.

23. Hiding condoms all over the house "just in case," including in houseplants and a crayon box.

24. Giving me this card for my birthday. On the inside it says "don't let the bastard win."



25. Hoarding dark chocolate from Trader Joe's at the neighbors' house so I wouldn't find out how bad his addiction was.

26. Allowing me to publish this.

Happy 39, baby.