Puppy Love

I have always hated the phrase "puppy love." First of all, I'm not a dog person, so it just conjures up images that I'd rather not have in my mind. Second of all, the phrase is always used when talking about young people, and the assumption is that they are idiots who don't know what REAL love is, because only the old or cynical know about that kind of stuff.

I call bullshit on that.

In general, I don't believe that emotions ever change. I don't believe that children's emotions are less real or less relevant than adults.' While I will agree that sometimes children and teenagers are lacking experience or the luxury of context, I don't think that makes their feelings any less real. Children are inherent narcissists, teenagers believe their experiences are unique in the history of the world. That's true. And it means that sometimes people--especially the young--need a swift kick in the ass or a big dose of perspective thrown in their direction.



But they FEEL things the same. In particular, if people decide they are in love, I don't see who we are to argue.

In full disclosure, I have been in love with four people in my life, and I fell in love with three of them as a teenager. I'm not talking about crushes, or unrequited longing. I'm talking about relationships, full of love and sexuality and passion and commitment and learning things about yourself and the world. I dated people as a teenager and an adult whom I did not love, so I'm pretty sure I know the difference. I fell in love with my husband when I was 27, and you know what? It felt the same as it did at 15. No, it was not the first time, filled with all of that wonder and, let's face it, disbelief. By 27, you can believe it...kind of...and yet it still seems like some kind of miracle. The people were different, hell I was different, but love, that's still the same.

I should say that I believe that all close friendships are love affairs. It's one thing to have friends, groups of people you like to hang out with, people who make you laugh. It's another thing to have that close friend or friends, the ones you make special time for, the people you find captivating, the women you find fascinating and sexy, the men you have so much in common with that it almost seems wrong. Those kinds of friendships are love, absent the sex. And very, very small children have those kinds of friendships. Both of my children have them. They KNOW what falling in love is, because they have done it already.

When people refer to puppy love, with all of that disdain in their voices and rolling in their eyes, perhaps it's because they are regretting something that happened or that didn't happen in their youth. If kids say they are in love, they are not lying. It's not "just" lust, or hormones. Because let's face it, what IS love if not lust and hormones? I am 37 years old and I am not looking for another friend, damn it, and I am absolutely not looking for a freaking roommate. I want a LOVER. I WANT lust and hormones. I also want a partner in crime, a co-pilot, a parent for my kids. That person might play catch with me, grab my ass all the time, give me cheesy googly eyes and start a pot of coffee for me at dawn while I am at the gym even though he doesn't drink the stuff himself. And people might say "oh you are just like TEENAGERS," and roll their eyes, and I would say this:

Yes.



Because teenagers aren't morons, and adults aren't exactly known for their aversion to irrational and disastrous decisions. People of all ages play games, if they are so inclined. Some people are jealous and possessive and toxic and crazy, and they always will be, no matter how old they are. Others are inclined towards compromise and selflessness in love, and most of the rest of us are hanging out somewhere in between. Life changes people, but life is always happening. I had had enough of life--enough pain and suffering and perspective, thank you very much--to know what the hell I was talking about as a teenager.

In high school, there is the luxury of not having to choose someone who is "right" for you, based on some notion of what you have in common or where you want to live or your philosophy on organic farming or some shit. You choose based on mutual attraction, of all sorts--how he or she makes you FEEL in a variety of situations. You have the luxury of taking it slow, choosing to ease into it gradually with sex or at least not having the option of spending the night together, which kind of goes away with adulthood, and later you will realize that what seems like an interminable prison to your hormones is actually a gift of pacing you will wish you could replicate in 10 years.

When I was 16 to 17, I dated a boy for about a year who had been a close friend for a long time. Before we started dating, my mom once told me she always knew when I was talking to him on the phone. Back then, there were no cell phones of course, and we had two phones in our house: in the kitchen, and in her bedroom. There was no such thing as privacy, so she could hear all of our conversations. I asked how she knew, and she said, "That's the only time I ever hear you laugh that hard."

The woman had a point. I fell in love with that kid. That was real. So was the pain of losing him, not just as a boyfriend but as the friend he had been before, though I never regretted any of it.

My first love happened when I was 15. This kid, who was also 15 at the time, told me he loved me on our second date. Well, it was kind of our third date, but that's another story. I told him that was impossible, because he didn't even know me, and it didn't make sense. And he just shook his head and said, I hear what you're saying, but you're wrong. I love you. I know I do.

And you know what? He did. He loved me for a long time, much longer than he should have, much longer than made any sense.

Gabe told me he loved me when we had been dating for two months. Today it seems like if you're a guy who just turned 28 you are too cynical or too focused on holding onto your extended adolescence to make that leap, especially before the woman does. He never seemed to care about that stuff. He loved me early on, wanted to marry me early on, became a father relatively fast, figured out the whole cancer and menopause and baldness when the shit eventually hit the fan.

Through all of this, I realize that I learned something way back when I was 15. I learned, first of all, that someone could really adore me, think of me when he could have thought of so many other things, treat me like some kind of goddess descended from the heavens, regardless of whether or not he was "right" for me. I learned that I COULD have that, so I didn't want to settle for something else. I had already learned the kernel of what real love is--what it always is, no matter how old you are.

Love is a choice.

It is a choice you make every day, or every minute of every day, or at least whenever you can. You can always make a different choice. It is a decision that you make, and you stick with it, or you don't. You can't talk someone into it, and you can't talk someone out of it. Age is irrelevant, stage of life is irrelevant, experience is irrelevant. As Goethe said: "If I love you, what business is it of yours?"

The decision has already been made. You just have to decide whether or not to accept it, which is not what puppies do--it's what people do. And it's worth everything.